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Positivity

Mystery Man

Okay, okay. Look just hear me out on this one. If you look at the categories on my website they are like: Growth, Positivity, Inspiration… this might make it seem like I am a high-minded dude that really has his stuff together. But really… all people are multi-faceted, complex beings. 

So bear with me on this one. 

A few months ago, my coworker told me about the stuff the kids are doing nowadays. I never understood the kids so much, even when I was one. Apparently, there is this new thing, with a very catchy name. This one I understand even less.

Buttchugging.

The way it was explained to me was, it’s much like a keg stand. Except instead of your mouth, the beer or spirits go in the other end. Think of an alcohol enema.

The alcohol is absorbed faster through the colon without having to deal with your liver filtering it. The alcohol will not show up on a breathalyzer. And if you don’t like the taste of beer… well…

I shouldn’t have to say that this is extremely dangerous, and if you are reading this and considering a butt-chug, think again. Not only the dumbest and most embarrassing things you would do, but it could also very well be fatal.

However, the phrase stuck with me. 

Flash forward a few weeks. My coworker sent me a link to his son’s reading challenge. Donations were raised for the school and his son would be inspired to read more? I don’t know. 

What I did know, was the donations were listed by amount. The top spot was my coworker’s sister with a $100 donation, my coworker with a $75 donation, followed by a slew of $50 donations.

Also, you could write an inspirational quote to inspire the youngster to get his read on.

I dropped two of my favorites on the whippersnapper. 

“Leaders are readers. Every man lives one life, but a reader lives a thousand.”

Then I donated $51. One dollar more than the third-highest, ensuring that I would be in third place.

Then I signed my name “Imma Buttchugger”.

I did this all in front of my coworker. I told him I made a contribution. I told him to check the quote. He read it and we laughed for a solid 30 minutes. We laughed until tears were coming out of my eyes and we were out of breath.

He asked me to change it and I tried but couldn’t. I actually couldn’t. We laughed harder. 

He mentioned the kids were supposed to read their contributions in front of the class. We laughed even harder.

His wife blamed his ex thinking she was the “Buttchugger”. We couldn’t contain ourselves.

His friends and family couldn’t fathom the donation and inspiring quote paired with that name. 

Later I would often think about everything and start cracking up. I often look for domain names and saw buttchug.com had already been taken, so I sent a screenshot to my coworker. 

My coworker’s friend told him how messed up it was and how mad they were. He replied, “You know it was kind of funny.” Then they all agreed, laughing.

Eventually, my coworker told his wife who said she knew it all along.

I know, I know. My inner twelve-year-old is never far from the surface. How can I be so immature? I’m a forty-year-old man and I should be ashamed of myself. 

It’s true.

But I am the proud owner of buttchugger.com.

By Sam Watson

I'm pretty good at Microsoft Excel but a freak in Google Sheets.

8 replies on “Mystery Man”

Sam what were you thinking?! That’s hilarious. You should forward that URL to this specific blog post.

Most people don’t know I specialize in artisanal buttchugging in a sterile environment. I wouldn’t recommend an IPA on the first go. I do recommend standard lager or stout. Never choose cider while buttchugging. I hope this helps your new subscribers.

Ackbar, what kind of message are you sending to the kids?

Kids, don’t take this guy’s advice. Also, take comfort knowing that all of your idols will ultimately fail you.

Let me know your thoughts!

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